How To Ask For a Recommendation – And What To Do If They Say No?

Lisa Ann Maini on December 1, 2021

“It’s an equal failing to trust everybody and to trust no body.” Thomas Fuller

People do business with people they know and trust.  Trust not only builds relationships,  it drives transactions.  According to McKinsey, over 66% of the economy is influenced by recommendations.  People even trust recommendations from people they do not know!  How many times for example, have you consulted Amazon ratings, Consumer Reports or Morningstar before making a purchase?

If your business is based primarily on recommendations and referrals, than you know how powerful they are for building trust and influencing others to buy from you. Here are some best practices to keep in mind when asking for a recommendation or referral.

1) Ask in a way that does not make your colleague feel awkward, or allow them to decline gracefully.

For example, asking, “Can you please recommend me to the CEO of your company?” is a yes or no question and does not give your colleague an easy way out.  Asking, “Do you think you might be able to provide me with a good recommendation?”  is better.  However, asking, “Do you think you know me well enough to provide me with a good reference?” keeps your colleague focused on your accomplishments or allows them to decline gracefully.

2) Select your referral sources carefully.

This might seem overly simplistic – however, you are asking for a favor so make it as easy as possible (especially if it has been some time since you last spoke).

  • Highlight key projects and your specific contributions relevant to the request at hand.
  • Be cognizant of their schedule (ex. think twice about approaching an accountant during tax season).
  • Explain what you seek to achieve by meeting their colleague and the best way to follow-up after the  recommendation has been made.
  • Thank your colleague after they agree to make the referral, thank them after they make the referral and follow-up with them after your meeting (quickly!).

3) What do you do if you ask for a recommendation or referral and your colleague says no? 

One option is to be grateful for their honesty, thank them for their consideration and walk away gracefully.  A more productive option is to thank them for being honest and forthright but instead of walking away, keep the relationship moving forward. For example, try following up with “My sense is that I have disappointed you in some way.  So let’s put the the issue of referrals aside, and spend a few minutes identifying what the problems are so we can get back on track.  Would that be ok with you?”  This latter approach allows you to start a conversation to rebuild your relationship and hopefully, establish trust.